How many viola players does it take to change a light bulb? None, viola players prefer the dark.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune? Shoot 11 of them.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? You could fit in at least one more.
Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? Because he can't lean back in his chair.
Once upon a time there was a hospital where they made brain transplants. A client asked about prices. 'This PhD brain costs $10,000, this NASA scientist brain costs $15,000, and this violist brain costs $50,000.' 'Why so expensive?' 'It's totally unused.'
What's the latest crime wave in New York City? Drive-by viola recitals.
How does a violist's brain cell die? Alone.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
The native guide said 'When drums stop, very bad.' 'What happens when the drums stop?' asked the tourist. 'Next comes viola solo!'
A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. The waiter asked the 'cellist what he'd like. After ordering steak, the waiter asked 'Vegetables?' The 'cellist pointed to the violists: 'Oh, they'll have what I'm having.'
The violist came home to find his house burned down. The police said 'The conductor came to your house...' The violist's eyes lit up: 'The conductor? Came to MY house?'
A man went on safari deep into the jungle. Drums had been playing for days. Finally they stopped. The guide screamed in terror. 'What happens now?' asked the man. The guide whispered: 'Viola solo.'
What's the range of a viola? As far as you can kick it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common? They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Why is viola called 'bratsche' in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery.
A violist rubbed a lamp and a genie appeared. He wished to become a better musician. He woke up as principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. He wished again. He woke up in the last desk of the second violin section.
A musician found a genie. He wished for peace in the Middle East. The genie said that was too hard. Then he wished to hear the viola section play in tune. The genie said, 'Let me see those maps again.'
Two violists were snail hunting in France. They returned empty-handed hours later. 'What happened?' 'Every time we tried to grab one, it rushed away!'
A percussionist saw a dead crow and said 'Look, a dead crow.' The violist looked up and asked 'Where?'
Timmy's mom said he could count to 10 because he was a violist. The next day he was the tallest in class. 'Is that because I'm a violist?' 'No dear, that's because you're 26 years old.'
Workers were building a union hall. The violists asked why they were digging while the trumpeter supervised. 'Because I'm smarter.' The violist didn't understand. The trumpeter put his hand in front of a tree. 'Hit my hand!' At the last instant he moved it. The violist went back to the ditch. 'Let me explain,' he said to his friend, putting his hand in front of his own face. 'Hit my hand with your shovel!'
For sale: Viola, German, 19th century, excellent condition. Recently tuned.
Wanted: Established string quartet requires two violinists and a cellist.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spots.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which hits the ground first? The violist. The soprano has to stop halfway down to ask for directions.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which hits first? Who cares?
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss.
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? If they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices they're missing.
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player, or an oasis? The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
